You know all those bumper stickers that read, “What would Jesus do?” It got me to thinking: When life hands you a load of problems and you don’t know what to do, ask yourself, “Self, what would Ray Nagin do?”

Ray Nagin is the very visible mayor of the former New Orleans which is now underwater and depopulated, thanks to some incredibly stupid politicians and an evacuation plan that could only have been coordinated by Satan. As a result, millions of people have left the city, most likely never to return, thanks to the fact that they have been sent to places that actually function.

Incredibly, they are being shown generosity by their fellow citizens instead of derision (or an Uzi shoved in their face.) For the first time they are being offered jobs and opportunity instead of a welfare check or a WIC voucher. People are offering to help them build homes or, unimaginably, have opened their very own homes. Politicians actually function to serve the people instead of the other way around.

In Texas, the President’s hometown, by the way, where George Bush has tons of contacts given that he was their former Governor (a fact that seems to be inexplicably lost on the Media) and the first Governor in Texas history to serve 4 consecutive terms, New Orleans' evacuees have been treated like guests instead of unwanted in-laws. Do you think that during Katrina George Bush may have put in a few calls, pulled in a few markers? People might actually notice that this is a state that has a functioning infrastructure; a system in place for food, shelter, transportation and medical help. Then, when Texas was hit by Hurricane Rita, they even had an evacuation plan. This means, they really did not want their people to drown, especially old people in wheel chairs. True, the ever- incompetent and corrupt Department of Transportation (DOT) completely screwed everything up, but what can you expect from a federal agency built on incompetence, corruption and cronyism (much like New Orleans), that can't get out of its own way in any state or situation. But I digress...

Anyway, I felt that when the going got tough I needed a sort of role model, since I’m one of those “Type A” types, so I turned to Ray Nagin, a man who never seems to stress under pressure.

Right away a situation, or should I say “opportunity”, presented itself. Last night one of my horses came down with colic, a very serious and often fatal affliction that could have many causes most of which are your fault or so you convince yourself. Therefore, what did I choose to do? My former self would have immediately called the vet, started walking the horse for hours upon hours to make sure that she couldn’t lie down, thereby twisting a gut and either killing herself or costing us thousands of dollars in medical bills for risky and unpredictable surgery. I would have been up all night, worrying, making sure she didn’t colic again, sleeping out in the pasture, making sure she was drinking water, that her tempature was reducing and any number of warning signs that you monitor throughout the night to make sure that your horses will live. But, I said to myself, “Self, this is a very stressful situation.” I end up not sleeping for days, spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars on vet bills and medication, worrying for weeks afterwards, making changes in feed and carrying on like a mother hen who just lost one of her flock. And, in the end, I am exhausted, worried and cranky; I look at myself and say, “Self, what could you have done differently? What could you have done better? How can we improve the results in the future or, better yet, prevent any such occurrence from ever happing at all?”

Quite frankly, all of this is a bummer. It takes a lot of energy, brain power and planning, so I said to myself, Self: “What would Ray Nagin do?” and that’s when it hit me. Last night when my horse faced her colic, I stopped, went inside, smoked a bone and fired up some jazz. Charlie Parker, “The Bird” who, not for nothing, died a heroin addict, but, anyway, all of a sudden, I relaxed.

Once I was high the problems didn’t seem so complex. They certainly didn’t seem so daunting, I was obviously too tired to walk her, being high on marijuana and all, and I couldn’t call the vet, it would be obvious that I was stoned, and why get her all worked up at 3:00 in the morning? That’s late, why stress everyone out? Horses’ colic all the time, “What would Ray Nagin do?”

Hell, I hooked up my Bose headphones and gave it some more thought and next thing you know I was asleep! Just like that. Who would have imagined? What a no-hassle way of dealing with colic. After being pretty well rested and brushing the corn chip crumbs off of me after a slight bout with the munchies, I put on my boots, went out to the barn and my mare was dead. Damn. Ok, not to stress, smoke another bone, call out the men folk, bury the dead and start again. “What would Ray Nagin do?”

I think he’d call up one of those rescue places and animal shelters and try to get new horses. (Actually, he’d also have "his people" call a press conference but I have no people.) Anyway, my gelding was heartbroken; she was his best friend (mine, too, but now marijuana and Charlie Parker are my best friends.) So, anyway, I knew that if I didn’t get me some new horses I’d be out of the horse-keeping business and, if people thought too long and hard about how I “managed” my barn and killed my horses they would stop coming down or referring boarders, so I had to get horses back fast before anyone actually started thinking about my barn management methods.

And that’s what I’m planning to do. Tons of horses will die but no worries, I’m cool. Stuff happens and there is no sense in getting all worked up about problems that you can't, for the most part, completely control or, at least, either help big-time or royally blunder. Either way, this stuff really ages you. In case you haven’t noticed Ray Nagin doesn’t stay so cool under pressure just from these “ 'starter' habits” alone. No, it’s clear he spends much of his time in the gym making himself pretty, working up a big ole sweat either jogging or lifting weight and getting facials. Ray is a man who is not going to put people before a weight training regimen. Fame is not going to age him; it’s going to make him prettier. And it’s going to make me more fabulous, too.

So I’ve joined Gold’s gym, took me out a big old membership, and who needs horses? I need them for the money, that’s for sure, and they were really good exercise but I think some cross-training is probably a good antidote for getting all uptight and stressed in the face of catastrophe. So, when life hands me lemons I’m going to make me some “Ray Nagin lemonade” _TM and say, “Piss on it.” After all, that’s what Ray Nagin would do.

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