The Speech We'd Love to Hear:
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has
been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to
begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which
have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.
The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the
countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing
copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war.
T he American people are no longer going to pour money into third
world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of
the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe
China..
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many
UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid
parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps
have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or
watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of
the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are
likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt
government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank
and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em?
Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty -
starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for
oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades
to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer
you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn
tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on
the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to
eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from
America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe
you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to
speak Arabic.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in
English, thank a soldier.
(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens!
Let's get this to every USA computer!)
