 "This is my jail-to-going outfit", said Paris hours before she began her 3 day, 3 hour prison term. |
We'll always have Paris....
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By N. Beaujon
June 7, 2007
Today, world class heir-head Paris Hilton was released from county jail for “medical reasons” just 3 days into a 23 day sentence for drunk driving (or was it a probation violation or driving twice with a suspended license?) Experts are still unclear since by time the media and spin-meisters had gotten done with this totally vapid and insignificant story, anyone with an IQ above room temperature no longer cared.
The reason Hilton was released from prison, according to sources close to Neiman Marcus, was that Paris suffered a nervous breakdown because "mean girls" (inmates) were taunting her and she couldn’t handle the stress of being parted from her blue contact lenses and having to maintain her hair weave with out a stylist's assistance and, besides, after a week without touch ups, it was clear her dark roots were going to show.
The traumatized inmate, realizing the magnitude of the consequences of her heir-brained antics decided she could no longer handle the stress (or the lack of access to “In and Out Burgers” and Dexatrim) and demanded that her “time out” in prison be immediately cut short. Like an old mobster, her lawyers called on their 24 hour "dial a shrink" who declared that a flare up of Paris’ widely suspected but never confirmed medical condition- being a spoiled, overindulged brat- was giving her pimples and causing her to retain water on the high carb, high salt, no protein prison diet.
Paris had signed on to write a book, stage a mini-series and perform a sex act regarding her stay in the LA jail but those plans have been temporarily shelved since she is now confined to her family's mansion with the aid of a prison-issue ankle bracelet for the remainder of her 23 day, or 45 day sentence, no one is really sure because anyone with an IQ above room temperature no longer cares. When questioned about Paris’ condition all her mother, Cathy Hilton could shriek was, “Think of the tan lines!” before bursting into tears and complaining about how the “system” was scape-goating her daughter simply for being too stupid to hire a limo driver.
Being too stupid to hire a driver is not considered a crime among the young and the feckless but anyone with real money knows that hiring a chauffer "isn’t a privilege it’s a necessity", noted one Palm Beach society columnist. “There was a reason for ‘Driving Miss Daisy’!” slurred one old money socialite having lunch at the Breakers, “that old bat was sauced!” Her lunch companion nodded in agreement and added, "The Hilton family has always been an embarrassment."
