Hi, I’m Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans, and I’m here to tell you all that the gumbo is hot, the jazz is cool and New Orleans is open for business! Never mind that I’m responsible for one of the worst civic disasters in history, what, me worry? When 90% of my population is poor, African American and immobile, who needed those busses? I hate those damn busses, reminds me of forced bussing. Didn’t want my people escaping no damn “Katrina” in those big old damn busses. And besides, what kind of bus driver in his right mind would have shown up for work with a Category 5 hurricane whuppin’ down the Coast?

Oh, I suppose that show-off Rudy Giuliani would have just driven those busses himself but those yankees are crazy. No, I took me to Dallas and while I was up there I did me some thinking. We ain’t got no taxes coming in! I’m still the Mayor of New Orleans and I got to get paid, so I said to myself, “Self, we got to bring back tourism and those residents and I said ‘self, I want to see 180,000 taxpayers back in this city by the end of the week!” And, I mean business.

Federal government, a bunch of real whiners if you ask me, gone and stepped in with that jive about health and safety and e-coli. E-coli? Sh*t, who’s worried about some damn e-coli? We got gumbo! We got parties and we got another hurricane Rita or some damn thing heaving out in the gulf somewhere threatening to ruin another party. But, I say like I said before, “We'e bringing New Orleans back...I’m tired of hearing these helicopters. I want to hear some jazz!” Par-tay! No, we ain’t got no power, drinkable water, and most of these parishes are covered in mud, feces and we’re still bringing out the dead. Ain’t got no hospitals, emergency services or phone system but don’t go getting all namby-pamby on me. That's ain't the American spirit, certainly not the Spirit of New Orleans, and I’m in charge here even though I ain’t exactly living here, ain’t crazy enough to be doing that, but you ought to “come on down.” I got a city to run,even if I’m doing it from my chauffer driven limousine while I’m telecommuting from Dallas. Oh, I still show up for those press conferences. Got keep my name out there. We’re bringing back New Orleans back and I’m not letting no up-tight white man from the damn coast guard ruin all our fun.

Mr. big shot Vice Admiral from the Coast Guard says, we got to wait till there’s drinkable water, a 911 system in place, telephone service and some ole evacuation plan given our past “issues” but ain’t it just like a white man to try to bundle up his britches all up in a knot at a time when people need to forget their troubles? Hell, it’s been a stressful time for all of us. No, I’m Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans and Travel Planner from Hell, Inc. and I’m telling you all to “come on down.” The weather if fine and the gumbo is spicy hot (or is it the other way around?) And, if you just mention my name we got a whole heap of discount coupons for MRE’s, Tetanus Shots, Tiger Balm _[tm] to mask the smell and entry in a raffle for our grand prize giveaway: a felt- lined pine casket to help you bury your dead.

Letters to the Editor